


I Used to Know

by lavenderlovegood



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Love Triangles, One Shot Collection, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:03:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6755104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderlovegood/pseuds/lavenderlovegood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Theodora Amell aids a blood mage, she is kicked out of The Circle of Magi only to end up joining The Grey Wardens.  But the transition from Circle life to the outside world isn't easy and Theo finds herself trying to come to terms with her past while also trying to get over the Templar she left behind.  But when Theo meets fellow Grey Warden, Alistair and it's up to them to save Ferelden from The Blight, she finds she can't control what her heart wants.   </p><p>After Alistair's world comes crashing down he finds it difficult to pick up the pieces.  But with the help of Theodora Amell, new Warden recruit he might find that not everything is lost.  </p><p>This story is in the form of a collection of one-shots set mostly in-between the big story points of Dragon Age: Origins.  So lots of camp scenes, downtime, and private moments with characters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nothing is Forever

Theodora Amell sat in front of the blazing fire in the center of the camp at Ostagar. Since leaving The Circle she found she could never get warm. There was a constant chill in the air even on warm days which was something Theodora never thought possible. But in the 2 weeks since leaving the The Circle, Theodora… or Theo has she prefered to be called, had learned a lot of things. 

She not only learned that Ferelden was indeed a cold place, it smelled too… like a wild animal that rolled in a pile of flowers to try and hide the stench. Theo also learned that when traveling it was rather silly to carry a separate parcel full of nothing but books. It turned out they were heavy and cumbersome to carry. Damn, that was a hard lesson. Theo hated that she had to leave behind some of her favorite tomes and scrolls at a small inn not far from The Circle. It irritated her to no end that she couldn’t even make it five miles carrying them but that was also the moment Theo also realized that in the last 12 years of her life at The Circle of Magi she was never taught how to survive… outside of The Circle. And to think she never believed she would need such skills or knowledge seemed rather absurd now as she huddled near the fire, several blankets wrapped around her shoulders. She was trying very hard not to shake with shivers as she read the one and only spellbook she had left besides her journal. 

Maker, this place was awful. Unlike some mages, Theo loved The Circle. It was home, the place where all of her friends were, where all of her memories came from, where her soft bed and books were. Yes, Theo had learned a lot since leaving The Circle of Magi. But the hardest thing she learned was that nothing is permanent and that in the blink of an eye one’s whole world can be turned upside down. She had everything she ever needed at The Circle. She had fully stocked libraries, friends who cared about her and asked her about her day, she had a comfortable bed with clean linens. And of course being able to see that person that made heart skip. 

Theo shook her head at that last thought. She had managed to go several hours today without thinking about Cullen but he always made his way into her thoughts one way or another. If Theo was being honest, not seeing Cullen everyday broke her heart more than she thought possible. When she walked out of those doors, knowing that it was very likely they would never see each other again, well it almost broke her. But these were things she didn’t want to dwell on. 

Theo and Cullen weren’t in love. He was never hers and even though she longed to be his, that wasn’t the case either. They were two people separated by things they couldn’t change. But Maker, she missed him. 

“Maker! Are you alright?! I think I could feel you shaking from across camp!” Alistair approached Theo, snagging another blanket that had been draped over a tree stump nearby, “I think every soldier in this place is going to have to freeze just so you can stay warm.”

Before Theo could say anything Alistair draped the blanket over her, plopped himself beside her and began warming hot water over the fire mumbling something about making her some tea. This of course made Theo want to scream. She didn’t want to be coddled but she also didn’t want to be cold anymore so she kept her frustrations inside. Only a day and a half as an official Grey Warden and she was probably always going to be known as the pampered mage who couldn't even make tea for herself. 

“You don’t have to do that, you know. I can take care of myself.”

Alistair let out a huff of a laugh, “I’m afraid if I don’t help you, you’ll be an ice sculpture by morning.”

Theo narrowed her eyes at him, “Funny. You’re always so funny.”

Alistair placed the tiny pot of water over the fire and leaned over toward Theo, “It’s my thing. We all have one, you know. A thing. That man over there,” Alistair pointed at a tall, thin man, his features pointy and angled, “That’s Roger, his thing is that… well, he has no sense of humor. Sad really. But don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find your thing.”

“I don’t need a “thing” thank you.” Theo scowled.

“I’m willing to bet your thing is that you’re always grumpy.”

“Maybe you just make me grumpy.” Theo looked back down at her spellbook and began reading again slightly annoyed by the fact that the blanket Alistair added to her bundle was the only thing she needed to stop the shivering. 

“Well that’s not a first, I’ve been told I’m even “annoying,”” Alistair huffed like the idea was outrageous, “Which is probably true I suppose…But enough about me.”

“Yes, enough.” Theo sighed over her book.

“Look,” Alistair offered, and the seriousness of his voice caught Theo’s attention and she looked up at him. He paused when he saw he had her attention and then continued, “I know things don’t always work out like you think they will. I don’t know how you came to be here but I imagine it wasn’t good considering your…” Alistair smiled, his tone turned to teasing, “Charming demeanor, but sometimes you might find that after some adjust-”

Ugh, Theo couldn’t believe she was getting such a patronizing speech from a man she had only known for a few days. She looked back down at her book, “Don’t pretend to know me or my situation.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to tell you how to feel or whatever, I just wanted to say that I know how it feels… to be new. To have things change very quickly and without your consent.”

Theo’s patience was wearing thin. She slammed her book shut and shrugged out of the pile of blankets she was under and stood, “Here’s the thing “Alistair”,” she said his name like it might not even be his name and she noticed the small smirk cross Alistair’s face which only irritated her more, “The thing is, you don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through, or what I’ve lost so don’t give this speech about how I just need to adjust. I know I just need to adjust but I would also like a moment’s peace to reflect on things without you yapping my ear off. You aren’t my friend. End of story.”

With that, Theodora stormed off toward the bridge, walking fast. Realizing she didn’t have anything to keep her warm she let out a frustrated sigh and turned around, Alistair was still there clearly stunned by her outburst. But Theo ignored him, grabbed a blanket from the ground and stormed back off again. Maker, it would have looked so much better if she hadn’t gone back. But looking cool and collected and having good timing was never Theo’s strong suit.

The more she walked, the more her thoughts took over. She reached the bridge to the tower at Ostagar and about halfway across it the guilt settled in. She had so much built up anger that the moment Theo had a target, which ended up being an unsuspecting Alistair, she exploded. Theo knew that if she ever wanted to fit in and make friends and live her life, she needed to get over everything that happened at The Circle. 

Theo couldn’t take back the fact that she assisted a blood mage and that he ended up getting away. She couldn’t control the fact that her future as a mage had been so bright, and that her dreams of teaching at The Circle had blown away the moment she didn’t tell The First Enchanter about Jowan’s plans. And Theo certainly had no control over the fact that along with losing everything she worked for at The Circle, she also lost Cullen. 

Theodora Amell stood almost dead center on the bridge that led to the other side of Ostagar. She looked down at what would be the battlefield once the Darkspawn showed up. It was surreal really, to think that only a month ago, in the visitor’s rooms of The Circle of Magi she had found herself, wrapped around Cullen Rutherford, a Templar. Theo remembered so clearly, the way it had felt being so close to him. How he breathlessly whispered how beautiful he thought she was while they made love for the first and now only time. 

A shiver escaped Theo’s body. Not from the cold but from the thoughts she had been suppressing since joining Duncan and coming to Ostagar. Thoughts of Cullen, stealing her away to the abandoned parts of The Circle to tell her that he thought she looked pretty that day or to steal a kiss while he was on duty. And of course thoughts of that night when as a surprise, he took her to the visitor’s wing. No one was visiting The Circle that night so the wing was empty.

“It’s just us. And I am off-duty.” He had said, a sly smile on his face as he locked the door behind him. 

Theo could clearly remember the way her stomach flipped and before she could comment on anything, Cullen strode the couple of steps between them and kissed her, fiercely. Before they knew it they were naked and tangled together, sweat covering their bodies as they made love on the bed… the floor, against the wall… it really was a busy night. 

Theo smiled to herself at the thought. But when she realized she was smiling, she forced herself to remember the rest, because the story of her and Cullen wasn’t to be a happy one it seemed.

After Theo and Cullen had worn themselves out and had sprawled themselves over each other on the bed, Cullen had begun to kiss her until she was breathless. It was like he thought if he wasn’t kissing her, she might disappear. Which in the end, seemed to be the case. 

It was in that moment, as they kissed, hands roaming, and exchanging sweet nothings, that Theo noticed Jowan quietly leave the room. She had no idea how he got in or how much he had witnessed. But Theo didn’t tell Cullen that she saw him. Maybe she should have and they could have figured it out together. But she couldn’t bring herself to worry him. She would deal with Jowan herself. 

Theo didn’t know it then but that was when everything collapsed. That was when Jowan had enough against Theo to later blackmail her into helping him escape. He had threatened to tell The First Enchanter which would get Cullen kicked out of the order. It would ruin his life and Theo couldn’t have that. So weeks later, when Jowan asked her for help, Theo agreed. And in turn, she was caught. 

It had been the Knight-Commander’s idea to punish Theo more harshly by making her tranquil but by the luck of the Maker, Duncan was there with a better offer to join the Wardens and Theo had no choice but to accept. Being made tranquil was a fate that every mage feared and that no one deserved. 

And now here Theo was, standing in the middle of a crumbling bridge at Ostagar prepared to battle against Darkspawn. If anyone had told her a month ago, when Cullen was kissing her and telling her how beautiful she was and as she was running running her fingers over his bare chest while they talked about silly things like their favorite desserts and when they started to notice each other… if someone had said that a month from all of that she would be here, Theodora Jae Amell would have laughed in their face for days.

“Theodora,” Alistair’s voice broke Theo from her thoughts and she turned to see him walking toward her. 

Theo wasn’t sure when her past would stop haunting her. It was far too soon to tell and maybe it never would. And she wasn’t sure when she would be able to just be happy for a moment without the guilt weighing her down. Theo didn’t even really know what would come of things after tomorrow’s battle because for all she knew, they could all end up dead. But she did know one thing and even though it was small, it was necessary.

She had to apologize to Alistair. If she was going to make it out here, outside of The Circle she needed people she could trust. And while she had no idea if she could trust Alistair or even Duncan for that matter it didn’t help anything to go off on them when they were clearly trying to help. Apologizing to Alistair was the first step toward something. But what, she had no idea. 

Theo met Alistair half way, “Theo.” She said, “You can call me Theo.”


	2. A Moment of Peace

Alistair wandered the area of The Wilds near Flemeth and Morrigan’s home still trying to come to terms with everything that happened at Ostagar. His brain wasn’t really allowing him to believe that Duncan was gone. That he was dead. It was like Alistair was still waiting for him to show up, help him with this plan to end The Blight, to defeat Loghain for his treachery. 

But that wasn’t going to happen.

Duncan was dead. And Alistair and Theodora were the last of the Wardens in Ferelden. 

Earlier that day, when Theo woke up out of her magic induced sleep that Flemeth had put her in, Alistair literally cried tears of joy to see that she was okay. She had been in really bad shape. Flemeth said that she had broken ribs, a punctured lung, and internal bleeding. All of those things sounded terrible on their own but for one person to have all those things at once had Alistair truly believing that Theo would die and he really would be alone in all of this. For the two days that Theo was out, he would sit next to her bed, holding her hand as Flemeth worked her healing magic over her. 

Both Flemeth and Morrigan were obviously annoyed by Alistair’s constant question, “Is she going to be okay?” 

Once Theo had woken up and could move around okay, they all discussed their options and had somewhat decided on a plan. It was a huge undertaking, but the decision to use the Grey Warden treaties to hold the Dwarves, Elves, Mages, and armies of Ferelden to come together to defeat the Blight seemed like the best option. They even decided to visit Redcliffe as a means to seek aid from Arl Eamon. That alone had Alistair feeling overwhelmed because he really hadn’t been to the place where he grew up or seen his childhood guardian in what seemed like ages. 

Alistair had left Theo, Morrigan, and Flemeth to seek solitude here in The Wilds but he couldn’t seem to make peace with anything. All he could think about was how he could have helped during the battle at Ostagar. How maybe if he had done things differently, Duncan might still be alive. After wandering for an hour or more, Alistair noticed that the sun was beginning to set and he decided to head back to the hidden area where Flemeth and Morrigan lived.

As Alistair came around Flemeth’s hut, he saw Theo sitting on the small dock that reached out into the middle of the modestly sized pond. Her feet were dangling in the water and she was staring off into the trees. Like him, she wore a simple tunic and basic pants that Flemeth had given them. Only on Theo everything fit loosely and the sleeves of the tunic were almost comically long. 

It was a nice evening. It would have been easier to appreciate if Alistair’s whole world hadn’t recently fallen down around him but he noticed how it was surprisingly warm and that the air smelled like Andraste’s grace and pine. And the sun setting lit up the surrounding trees making everything look picture perfect. 

Alistair approached Theo and sat beside her on the dock. 

She must have been lost in thought because it took her a moment to register he was there.

She turned and gave him a half-hearted smile, “I think this is the first time I haven’t been cold since,” she started to trail off and Alistair watched her get lost for a moment but quickly come back, “I think Flemeth must be using a spell or a charm.”

Alistair didn’t say anything at first, he just removed his boots and socks, setting them aside. He let his feet dangle off the dock and into the water like Theo and finally said, “You know, when we came out into The Wilds the first time with Jory and Daveth, you were so determined and you fought every fight with so much energy and skill. And then when you talked to Morrigan and got her to trust you enough to bring us here to get the treaties, you were just so confident and you didn’t let anything get in the way of our goal. I admire that a lot. And when it came time for The Joining, I had no doubt in my mind that you would survive it.”

Theo looked at him, a smile taking over her face, “You knew, huh?”

Alistair smiled too, trying not to let his eyes linger too much on her lips, “I mean, you are kind of scary when you fight.” 

Theo actually laughed at that and Alistair looked away again, down at his feet that disappeared into the cool water, “But seeing you in the state you were after we lit that beacon at Ostagar and we ended up here… You looked…”

“Like death?” Theo chimed in and while her tone was light, it was the truth. 

“You are such a force to be reckoned with, Theo and seeing you like that, half dead..." Alistair shook his head trying to shake the image from his mind and then continued, "it made me realize that even the strongest people can be taken down in an instant. And I just want you to know that while everything is so absolutely awful right now, you being alive is everything to me. I couldn’t do this alone and having someone like you here… well, it just makes everything a little less awful.” Alistair let out a sigh at the end of his small speech. He felt better having put that out there. Letting Theo know that he appreciated her and that even though they really didn’t know each other very well, that maybe if they stuck together they might not fail.

Theo smiled, “If I died, it would just be you and Morrigan and you would probably end up killing each other before you accomplished anything. I think the Maker wanted to avoid having to listen to you two bicker without someone to break it up.”

Alistair gasped in mock-shock, “Did you just make a joke? You, Theodora Amell, the most serious mage to ever exist!? A joke?” Alistair watched Theo roll her eyes at his teasing, “At least warn me the next time that happens or you’re bound give me a heart attack!”

“Fine, in all seriousness,” Theo emphasized “seriousness,” and continued, “I am glad you are here too. Also,” Her voice softened, “I’m sorry about Duncan. I know you two were close.”

“Thank you, I still can’t believe it’s real. I keep thinking he will show up at any moment.”

“I know that feeling.” Theo said simply but didn’t elaborate. She laid back on the dock, her feet still dangling in the water and she closed her eyes, “The best thing about being out of The Circle,” she said, her eyes still closed, “is the fresh air. We weren’t really allowed to go outside much and even though Ferelden smells like wet dog, it’s still open air. I forgot what it felt like.”

Alistair watched her and couldn’t help but feel a little tingle in the pit of his stomach at the sight of her. It was the first time since they met that she seemed to let her guard down. He watched the breeze flow over her, the only indication it was there was the way her hair shifted with it and her tunic swayed slightly across her torso. Alistair had found it difficult not to notice how beautiful Theo was. Her olive skin looked so smooth and with the setting sun, she was practically glowing. And her dark almost black hair flowed around her head as she laid peaceful on the dock, letting the breeze wash over her. 

As a means of distracting himself from thinking about Theo in ways that would have the Maker striking him down with lightening at any moment, Alistair leaned down a bit, “You know,” he said, drawing her attention and she opened her eyes, looking up at him, “When I was growing up in Redcliffe, there was this Chantry Sister, I think her name was Sister Mary or Margaret… Anyway, she would tell all of the kids in the village that if we stayed in the lake too long, our toes would be eaten by feeders.”

“Feeders?” Theo responded skeptically, sitting up.

“Feeders.” Alistair assured her, “And so there was this other little boy about my age, Georgie was his name, and anyway, we would wade around in the shallow parts of Lake Calenhad near the docks at Redcliffe and see how long we could stand to stay in the water without our toes getting eaten off.”

Theo laughed, “I hate to break it to you but I think this Chantry Sister was teasing you.”

“Oh, she most certainly was but we believed her. We would stand in the water flailing around thinking that our toes would be eaten off at any moment.”

“You do realize there aren’t such a thing as Feeders?”

“Yeah,” Alistair mused, “It took me way too long to realize that. I guess you’re smarter than I am.”

“That’s not a hard feat.” Theo teased.

“Hey! What did I tell you about joking? Are you trying to kill me?”

The both laughed at that but were quickly interrupted when Morrigan approached, “Theodora, my mother would like to examine you again before we leave tomorrow. I suggest not leaving her waiting. She is rather impatient and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want her healing you when she is in poor disposition. It can be rather painful.” And with that, Morrigan walked away leaving Alistair and Theo alone again. 

Both of them thinking about the fact that in the earlier hours of the morning tomorrow, they would be leaving The Wilds and heading to Redcliffe. And from there, traveling all over Ferelden. 

Theo let out a small sigh, looking down at the water, “Do you really think we can do this, Alistair?”

Alistair didn’t have to ask what she was talking about because it was on his mind too, “We have to try.”

“Are you sure we can’t just flee to Orlais? Become… jesters? You’d be good at that.” Theo shrugged, a smirk on her face. Alistair chided himself for noticing how cute she looked just then.

“I would wouldn’t I?” He mused.

Theo gave Alistair a friendly nudge with her shoulder before pulling her feet out of the water and standing. She looked down at the water near Alistair’s feet, “What’s that?” She pointed.

Following her finger, Alistair looked down into the water near his feet, “What? I don’t-”

“It’s a feeder!” Theo yelled, leaning down and poking Alistair in the side. He jumped about 5 feet out of his skin with a yelp, jumping up into standing position, his heart thudding. Theo let out the most genuine laugh he had heard from her before she walked toward the hut, laughing all the way there.

“Very funny!” Alistair called after her, “You know, I liked you better when you were all glum and serious!”

Alistair laughed to himself after he watched Theo disappear into Flemeth’s hut. He collected his boots and socks and headed that way too. When he went inside, Morrigan was serving up an earthy smelling stew into small bowls. Theo was stretched out on the bed wearing only her pants and a breast band around her chest. Flemeth was spreading some sort of ointment on Theo’s side. Morrigan handed Alistair some stew and he said a small thanks before leaning against the wall to eat. 

He quietly kept to himself, shoveling food into his mouth. It took a lot of self control not to glance at Theo’s bare stomach.


End file.
